I KNOW BETTER THAN THAT

This is suppose to be my Christmas posting... Only it's the day after Christmas. I, as always ,had so many good intentions and good ideas that never came to be realized. This year even more than past years I've had just too much going on to get to everything. I over commit myself regularly. I do it to myself. They are all things that I WANT to do , and that's the problem, I can't keep up with myself.

THIS is the Christmas I almost ruined for everyone though.

I had gotten myself into that place... that dark place I go when I am overwhelmed. Some people thrive on always having something going on or something to do or somewhere to go... I get crazy. My husband knows this well because he is one of those people who needs to do, go, be, see. I can only do so much and I need the quiet, down time that refuels me.

This year had the usual Christmas parties ,school functions, recitals, shopping, cards,volunteering, baking and so on... and then ,added to that ,the excitement of our Mamaisms! Needless to say all these things are good. Blessings! But all good things come with challenges. Add to that my one PMS day of the month landed on Christmas Eve and that was too much to handle.

But... I ramble...

My point is... all the usual things that I can handle and remain calm and deal with, got to me. instead of me calmly telling Logan one billion and ONE times to do something ... I yelled. Instead of me sweetly and understandingly saying "sure sweetie you go ahead and golf on Christmas Eve"... I screamed! Instead of finding it adorable when Arden asked every five seconds if she could open a present early... I shouted.

I could go on but why... I'm sure you all get it and understand.

But as sure as me almost ruining Christmas ... I am just as sure it was saved by Arden and Logan.

No matter how much I yelled and grumped around, their joyful moods could not be broken. They kept saying " do you need a hug?" and "I love Christmas" and "I can't wait for you to open my present". At first this annoyed me more that you know. I thought they were not taking me seriously. No respect for all that I do! It was all I could do to keep it together. But at some point they finally snapped me out of my mama madness, and I remembered it was all just a choice. I could choose to focus on all the little details that I couldn't make perfect and create a miserable holiday for us all or I could choose to appreciate all that was REAL . Like their sweet little faces and their excitement for giving and the two of them actually getting along with each other! (now that is a Christmas miracle)

In the end we had a lovely Christmas . Arden made me the most beautiful ornament out of oyster shells, Logan spent some time hanging out with his sister, Paul spoiled me again and I was taught the same lesson I repeatedly try to teach them. Life is what you choose to focus on. And even though I am ashamed of my behavior for those few hours, I'm so glad to know they were paying attention all those times I preached to them. Because (mamaism) "I know better than that!!"

I have so many blessings in my life, and you all know who you are! Thank you all for the encouragement and support and love. You all are the reason for the season. And I have witnessed so many moments of goodness and kindness this year. That is what I choose to focus on! And even if my gifts or cards come late or I didn't get a chance to call yesterday I hope you all know how much you mean to me and I hope you all had a very merry Christmas!

Believing

I swear to you I did not pose this picture. I happened upon the scene the other day and reached for my camera before she could move.

The Believe sign is especially significant to us this year because this will be the first year that both our kids "know" about Santa.

It happened a few weeks ago... Arden and I were pulling into Logan's middle school parking lot, when she asked the dreaded question... "Mama...tell me the truth...is Santa real or not..." Paul and I knew it was coming and had decided that the next time she asked, we would tell her the truth for fear that she might find out in a less safe place. So I said ..."Well"... and before I could say more she bursts into tears and starts screaming "NO!...It's not true.. He's real!"

Of course about that time Logan walks up and has to enter the car (surrounded by his friends), while his sister is screaming and sobbing hysterically. "What's wrong with her!"... I tell him, and he softens and we work together to console her while we make our way home.

A: "If Santa isn't real then what's Christmas for anyway" (screaming)

Us: " You know that Christmas is about Jesus birthday.

A: "That's not true..(sob) everyone knows Jesus was born on Easter!"

Us: " No honey... Easter is the day Jesus was resurrected"

A: "What does that mean!?!?"(sob,sob)

Us: "Sort of brought back to life"

A: "That's ridiculous!... (sob, sob,sob) Who's gonna believe that!...( Sob, sob,)

So after many hours... (I mean minutes that felt like hours)... and after hearing things like "You should be ashamed of yourself Mommy" and "you're making this up... you're joking"... through MY tears I mumble... Yeah Arden we're making it up... it's just a joke..."

The tears stop...and quietly, hopefully she says... "really?"

Logan and I look at each other and he says" Yeah Arden it's just a joke... we never meant to hurt your feelings..."

She says.."Oh thank God!"

So then I'm left with a traumatized 10 year old who is desperate to still believe in the magic who now thinks her mother is capable of playing the worst of all jokes on her . I've definitely scarred her for life this time.

The fantasy lasted one more week but eventually she came to me and said (very maturely) "Mom... I know Santa isn't real." It's OK... I won't freak out... you can tell me."

So we both sat on the couch, cried, and morned the loss of innocence and magic. And we talked again about what it's REALLY about and how the spirit of Santa is real.

Things have changed. The excitement is gone. Her favorite Christmas movies and songs have new meanings and she is trying to makes sense of it all. But once again she fills my heart with pride as I watch her sweet, giving, spirit emerge and she thinks up ways to GIVE this year instead of receive .

That's believing.

And that's what it's all about!

Mama says... It's better to give than receive.